Jaggu diaries

#1

The loud music was failing badly to deafen the voice of her crying heart. The pain had sunk its fangs deeper inside her, which oozed out in the form of tiny, warm droplets. “Let’s write,” she thought. With the heart drumming against her chest, she began writing, struggling to manifest her agony in words.

Jaggu began, “What is it that’s more painful? Is it that he hit me in front of 50 people or is it that I hurt him badly by running away, to his utter shock?” She continued, “I know I am obstinate but what I did, is it expected of a bad daughter?” While it was raining cats and dogs, people around her were seeking shelter under the shop shutters or tarpaulin tents of the sabzi walas, and there she was… running anxiously and sobbing uncontrollably. Fully drenched from head to toe, Jaggu finally reached home, the wet face camouflaging her teary eyes.

She was happy that she acted it out well in front of her mom!

Jaggu retired to her room and picked up a book, her solace. But as she started, the letters became hazy. Guilt had then taken better of her. The only thing she wished to do was…apologize!

//Year 2001//

Tallest among the guys, he had ‘tall’ egoism too. He was ever ready to flaunt his fat, yet ridiculous vocab of crude words. Jaggu was no less a rebel and fought with him hand to hand whenever he tried to bully her. He used to hate her in class IV and so did she. They couldn’t see eye to eye with each other. In fact, she had strong urges to break his banana long nose and crush his rowdiness too with it.

Classes reshuffled, and they weren’t in the same section anymore.

Years flew.

//Year 2008//

After 7 years, she became aware of his existence in school. He came back into her life through a mutual friend. Even then, for Jaggu, his presence was like gravity…hardly noticed!  Tall as he had always been, he had turned handsome and to her incredulity, shareef. 

//April, 2011// 

During her second semester in college, he showed up.

Again.

Like a soft blow of wind…

ruffled her life tenderly

and disappeared as morning dew,

having promised to come back…at the right time!

Those four months compelled her to think as where he had been during all those years in school. She found it incomprehensible that the guy whom she detested so much, whose presence didn’t matter to her, who just didn’t exist for her during those 7 years, had now taken refuge inside her. She wondered, why missing him became so ritualistic?! He entered her life at the most unexpected time as the most unexpected person and vanished, taking away a part of her.  Those hands which once wanted to smack his nose, now wanted to belong to him, forever. She often sighed, “Dear ‘dear’…I am not the same person anymore you crossed paths with.”

//August, 2011//

“Where is the envelope mumma,” Jaggu asked peevishly from her mother. Reverting irritably, her mom refused to have any. The girl had scribbled something on a paper and folded it in three pleats. After her frantic search, she found an envelope buried under the spiral pads in the almirah. She secured the letter with a stapler pin and slid the wrapping under the stacks of books while her eyes were moist.

//October, 2011//

Finding solace in books became her need. She unconsciously searched him in the characters of the author’s imagination. The moment she left the book, his picture flashed through her head, replaying everything like a recorded film. Jaggu dreaded her tears while sitting alone as her mind had become ‘his’ favourite haunt. She was often doubtful if he really understood her compulsion and why she did what she did.

//Year 2015//

Everyone wants to love and be loved. “Love is the best feeling on Earth,” they say. It’s a more of a spell to me. It gives you joys of the world. You don’t just the feel the butterflies but the whole bird sanctuary in your stomach. It also gives you sorrows and hurts like nothing…forming lumps in your throat and pit in your stomach. It comes with a baggage overloaded with emotions and sentiments. Your feelings remain on a roller coaster ride.

But once the spell breaks (trust me, it does!), it dawns upon you that what you had been doing all this while was utterly nonsensical! Love is like any other phase of life – which comes and goes…

Dear me

BEWARE

This world is vulnerable…full of hopeless romantics.

P.S.: I am an emotional fool!

*****

Jaggu stumbled upon this letter when she was organizing the mess in her book shelf.

She had written it four years ago. She laughed at it, finally confirming to her own words… utter nonsense!